07.08.09
Last gasp
Scott woke up this morning rather early and spent about an hour alert and conscious. He was, and still is, scared, and I think angry and frustrated that this is it. But he was also rather certain that today was going to be it, and to within about ten minutes, he was exactly right. Officially, he died at 12:10 am on July 8th, but the process began at midnight, almost exactly. There were heartbeats and a few leftover breaths after midnight, but nothing much that could be called life.
His parents will tell you that he was born exactly on time, and so he died, three years after his diagnosis, two days after his 33rd birthday, and almost exactly when he said he was going to. I will never know quite how he knew.
He complained a couple of times today about being short of breath, and all the usual tricks, the breathing treatment, draining the shunts, and so on, didn’t seem to help. Partly, it is panic. When he is short of breath, he grows frightened (and who can blame him), which results in shorter, shallower breaths. Getting control again and calming him down grew harder and harder. As of about 11pm, he was still breathing, but gasping, with his mouth wide open. We got him to sleep after that, after a fashion. It took more drugs to get him to this point than I have seen him have at one time before, but it was a relief to us onlookers (and I hope also to him) to have him unconscious, if only because it means he was not panicking, not in pain or distress, or at least not aware of it, if he was. Fortunately, both of the medications we used to calm him and keep him free of pain can be absorbed through his mouth; he did not need to swallow them to get their effect.
I held his hand for many hours this evening. Right toward the end, his hand and arm grew clammy with sweat, which seemed unusual to me, because I can hardly recall him sweating in the past several months, even on the hottest days. We had been removing a great deal of fluid, mostly through shunts, and could keep comparatively little fluid in him.
He spent most of today sleeping, as I said, but he woke up this morning to talk to me. We said our goodbyes, though in truth we’ve said them in so many ways before. He sent his love to his family and to a few others who sent greetings in the past hours and days. I am sure he appreciated everyone’s support and greetings over the past months and years, so please don’t feel like you have missed your chance. He and I have both known throughout this process how much love and care were coming from so many people all over the world.
The end, when it came, was relatively quick and peaceful, from all we could tell as onlookers. He simply stopped breathing. His lips turned blue and his face white in a remarkably short time. He did not appear to struggle or to be in pain. He told me earlier today that he didn’t think he knew how to die. All living organisms on the planet eventually do, though, and even those without the capacity to think manage it somehow. Scott has simply done the same. As I told him earlier today, I do not think we need to know how to die any more than we need to know how to be born. It simply happens.
I don’t know that he had many regrets left, save perhaps that everything was over too soon. I do wish either he could have lived a tiny bit longer or the book could have arrived a tiny bit earlier. Scott had been eagerly anticipating the release of David Weber’s latest novel, By Heresies Distressed, and he has been reading the pre-release chapters online as they came out. The book arrived on our doorstep midday today, only slightly too late to do him any good. I read him half a chapter from the website this morning, but by this afternoon, he could neither stay awake to focus on reading it himself nor to listen to me read. I have not read this particular novel yet (it only came out today), but I can vouch that David Weber writes excellent books, mainly in military science fiction, with a few fantasy titles. For his part, Scott was just aware enough of the situation to be frustrated by it.
This blog is not over yet. I will post announcements here about memorial arrangements when we know what they are. The plan for tonight is to turn over the body to a local mortuary. In the slightly longer term, he wishes to be cremated and have the ashes buried in Burney, the small town where he grew up. I am leaving the decision to his parents whether to hold a funeral or memorial service, as such, but I would like to plan an informal gathering in his memory here in the coming weeks. (We can call it a wake if it needs a name.) I will also try to post some of my own memories, thoughts, and news here in the weeks to come.
For now, thank you all who have supported us in ways big and small. Thank you to all who have offered help in various forms. I have not accepted more of it only because I have not needed to. That may yet change. In any case, I will keep you posted.
Lyndal said,
07.08.09 at 4:25 am
Oh Betsy. All our love to you, and to your and Scott’s family. Our thoughts and hearts are with you all.
I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone with the determination that Scott had - if strength of will was enough then I’m sure he would have been immortal.
With deepest sympathy,
Lyndal and Josh
Neil R. said,
07.08.09 at 6:38 am
/me cries
Donna Ferguson said,
07.08.09 at 8:19 am
Our prayers will continue for you and the families, Betsy. I hope that you will take comfort in knowing that all of you provided Scott with the most wonderful and compassionate care possible. May God bless you and give you strength for the coming days.
Jim and Donna Ferguson
Jim & Janet said,
07.08.09 at 8:56 am
Betsy - You and all of Scott’s family are in our loving thoughts this morning. Scott will be deeply missed - and always thought of with warmth, love and affection. We love you so much.
Maureen & Dan Kissick said,
07.08.09 at 9:19 am
Dear Betsy, Tim, Michelle, Jennie and David,
Please know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. God’s blessing to you all. Dan & Maureen
Eric Rowney said,
07.08.09 at 10:53 am
Besty, Tim, Michelle, David, Jennie,
I am very sorry for your lose and my thoughts and prayers will be with you. Scott was great and I will miss him. I hope you can find peace knowing that you all provided him with with best care, attention, and love, not just as he battled over the past 3 years, but most importantly as he grew up becomming the great person he was. His spirt will live on in all of you and the rest of you family and freinds. Eric
Cary Bass said,
07.08.09 at 10:54 am
Hi Betsy,
I want you to know how my prayers and good thoughts are with you and how delighted I am to have had the opportunity to have met Scott, even briefly, last year.
Peace, Cary
Jack Herrick said,
07.08.09 at 12:00 pm
When I had dinner with Scott a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about what an amazing person he was. His determination and good spirits in the face of a 3 year struggle was inspirational. I hope that if I’m ever in the same situation, I can be half the man he was.
Betsy - Your care and love for him was wonderful. I’m sure your compassion gave him his incredible strength. I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Lewis Collard said,
07.08.09 at 12:01 pm
Scott was made of win, pwnage and awesome for fighting as long and hard as he did. GG, Scott. GG.
Joy Vanides said,
07.08.09 at 12:46 pm
Betsy, my loving prayers and thoughts are with you and Scott’s family.
Kathy Watanabe said,
07.08.09 at 1:04 pm
Betsy, I’ve had you in my thoughts since I didn’t see you Monday night at the park. I just got a moment to read Scott’s blog. I am so sorry. My prayers go to you, your family and Scott’s family. He was so loved and lucky to have you all with him, encourage him and just love him. To be with him in the end is a great gift for all of you. Please let me know if there is anything you need help with. Peace, Kathy, Karl and Kayleigh Watanabe
Alison Cassidy said,
07.08.09 at 1:26 pm
Betsy, I’m so sorry to hear of Scott’s passing. My prayers and thoughts are with you both.
– Allie
Jon said,
07.08.09 at 2:07 pm
I remember meeting Scott briefly at RecentChangesCamp ‘08 and I thought he was a nice and normal guy. It wasn’t until about 4 months ago that Betsy mentioned to me what was going on and sent me a link the the blog. It was then that I realized how amazing Scott was. When I met him, I had _no_ idea what so ever. What is even more amazing is your strength through all of this, Betsy. I know words can’t even begin to convey what is going on right now, but you are in our thoughts and have our best wishes.
Chris Hadley said,
07.08.09 at 2:30 pm
I wrote some time ago in a comment here that I was in awe of your and Scott’s courage and grace in the face of his illness. I remain so.
Chris
Gina said,
07.08.09 at 3:41 pm
I miss him already. Betsy, your support for Scott over the last three months was amazing. I’m so glad he had you there.
Amgine said,
07.08.09 at 5:01 pm
Alhen y Dani said,
07.08.09 at 6:55 pm
Daniela y yo lo sentimos mucho. Estamos asombrados por el valor y el calor humano que hemos sentido cada vez que leiamos el blog. Tienes todo nuestro apoyo Betsy como siempre y enviamos toda nuestra admiración tanto a tí, como a él.
I wonder if these words will translate the feelings I want to convey. I’ll just try and see what happens. My wife and I are amazed about the courage and warm feelings everytime we read the blog. Our admiration and love to you and to him.
Versageek said,
07.08.09 at 7:33 pm
/me sends a queue of long distance hugs to be claimed as needed
Joe Edwards said,
07.08.09 at 9:56 pm
Today I’ve cried… But also I have learned something. Scott is and forever will be the greatest Tank and Beast I have ever known. It takes a true hearted warrior to have defied his end such as the great man did. I do not really believe in God or anything but. In the supreme miraculous power of your story Scott. I will pray for you and i will scream for you. Your story will reign through the youth of the world as it has inspired me. I love you man. Every moment we ever spent together was a reminder to me, how great a person can truly be. Rest in Peace my fellow Gamer.
Nathan Wong said,
07.09.09 at 10:59 am
My thoughts are with you. The courage and dignity that you have revealed in both of you in this blog has been nothing short of inspirational.
Mike Megas (Betsy's dad) said,
07.09.09 at 10:02 pm
Betsy, I received the following twenty-nine responses to the announcement I sent to family and friends about Scott’s passing. — Dad
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I am more sorry than I can say that Scott has passed away. He and Betsy really fought the good fight, and I think they gained time by sheer determination and courage plus the support of their wonderful family. But, no matter what, we always want “just a little more time.”
My deepest condolences to all of you.
Jeannie A.
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I have been following Betsy’s blog, so I was aware of his passing. My deepest condolences to all of you, his family included, of course, even though I don’t know them. Betsy was amazing: she must have been a pillar of strength to Scott. When this nightmare is all over, I hope she will be able to get away somewhere, try to start recuperating, and think about getting her life back together. I would like to send her a card: can you give me her mailing address?
Thanks.
Sincerest regards,
Carol A.
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A valiant person, Mike and Betsy. I’ve just been remembering Walt Whitman’s line that “each person’s life is no less than the journey work of the stars.” Sorry that Scott’s journey had to burn out so early. Thanks, Betsy, for your loving blog.
We send yolu and your family our love and sympathies.
Jane B.
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So sorry to hear of Scott’s death…much too young. I know you have been a great comfort to your daughter. Such sadness.
Marybelle C.
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We are very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers. We would be glad to help if anything is needed.
Cal and Carla C.
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So sorry to hear of your son-in-law’s passing. It certainly appeared that his battle was successful in allowing him more time than was originally anticipated and both of you were immensely supportive, which was no doubt helpful. Our condolences to your daughter and you both.
Elna and Ken C.
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Thanks for letting us know. Betsy’s blog is phenomenal. Please keep us posted on any services.
Lex
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Thanks for the news. As I recall, they got married fairly recently after a lengthy relationship.
I found the blog to be quite moving. A friend of Lee’s (a violin player) recently died from cancer and also had a loving partner care for him at home, with hospice support. Her email news of his last few weeks was also moving. Lee and other friends visited him often, with instruments, to serenade and entertain him, which he enjoyed. Those visits and emails from Lee also served to support her; the caregiver often needs more support than the receiver.
Please forward our love and support to Betsy.
Fred & Lee H.
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I have read some of the blogs. It took me back to Gail’s illness and final days. Scott and Gail were both incredibly courageous and realistic. I know you are all weary and grieved, and I am so sorry for yours and Betsy’s loss. I am close by and have mornings available to run errands or just to come and “be with”. I could also make phone calls or specific things like that. I’ll keep you in thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Mary Anne J.
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I’m so sorry to hear this! My thoughts are with you and your family!
cj
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I don’t know quite what to say except that our thoughts are with you during this sad time.. Both Scott and Betsy have been very brave throughout his long ordeal. You must be very proud of both of them.
Jodie and Linda K.
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I am so sorry to hear this. Please accept my condolences. I’ll be thinking of you and Carol.
Susan L.
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Jennifer just referred me to Betsy’s posts of Scott’s condition. I am moved and saddened at the July 6th news From reading several prior postings as well, I am impressed with their struggle with this challenge and impressed with their care and love.
I can also empathize somewhat here - as this recalls my early July days in 2007 when Emily slept much and came to be heading away from life here to what or wherever is next.
Do keep me posted as appropriate - and know that I hold you four in my prayers, and send my love.
Ted L. - July 7
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This is so sad - for by reading their blog I too feel part of their journey - as well as knowing my own — and they won my admiration by how they lived their journey and faced adversity and understood life and its ending.
I appreciate Scott and Betsy so much for what I learned from their telling this story.
My best wishes - my love. and if I can help or just listen or make music with you, just tell me.
Ted L. - July 8
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Can’t express how very badly I feel for your family. What special couple!
Regrets,
Carmen M.
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Damn, damn, damn, damn. Thanks for letting us know. I’ve sent Betsy a note; if you or Carol have any thoughts on how we can help her out please let us know.
Melanie & Mike M.
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How tragic! I am so sorry to hear about that. Please accept my sincerest condolences. It must be very hard on you all. My prayers are with you.
Fondly,
Lillian M.
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Thank you very much for the update regarding the very sad news of Scott’s passing. Our condolences to Betsy.
Jim, Ann, Andrew, & Joan M.
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How very sad, Mike. Your daughter’s blog is really eloquent. Brings me to tears every time I read it.
My sincere condolences.
I am very sorry to hear of Scott’s death, although it was expected,
it always comes as a shock. I read a little of Betsy’s blog and
admired the love she had for Scott. It must be very hard for her now
as it must have been before. Fortunately, you are here for her
.
My thoughts are with you and Betsy, whom I never met, unfortunately.
Francoise M.
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Thanks for the notification. Please accept my sympathy. I hadn’t checked the blog since last week.
And please give Betsy a big hug for me. And thank her for keeping up the blog, eloqently. I’m sorry I never met Scott.
Anne N.
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My thoughts are with you and your family at this sad time. Thanks for letting me know.
Joyce P.
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Just a quick note to let you know that I am thinking about you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Camerata will be making a donation in honor of Scott.
Love,
Jennifer R.
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I’m sorry to hear that Scott has died. I wish he and Betsy had had a longer batch of good times. Please notify us of any memorial service that will be held in this area. I’m keeping your email so that Ben can read it when he gets back.
Give my sincere condolences to Betsy.
Dobbie R.
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oh, my heart aches for you all….I will breath prayer for solace, comfort for your family….what is Betsy’s adddress please…
tenderly,
Janet W. S.
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I am so very sorry to hear this, Mike. Please extend my condolences to Betsy.
Lettie S.
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I’m so very sorry to hear about your son-in-law’s death. The big “C” is such a terrible killer. How fortunate that you had three years together. No matter how much one’s planned for the end of a life, it’s always difficult and heart-breaking when we loose a loved one. Thankfully you have each other for support, and good memories to keep you going and share with each other. He’ll always be in your hearts.
My husband died of lung cancer 2 months ago, only living 8 months after his diagnosis of Stage IV cancer. I was lucky to have had nine years with him, and I miss him daily. His two sons and I had a memorial service for him (after cremation), which was very supportive to us and gave family and friends a chance to express their feelings about him, too. He was a well-loved person, and very kind. So hard to lose good people. I don’t feel ready to join society yet. Grieving is a long process.
Please accept my condolences over the loss of your beloved family member. Take good care of yourselves, and love each other well. Thank you for the email and the so-well written blog. Bless you all,
irene t.
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My condolences. I have found the blog to be both hard and compelling,
because it reminds me of my fathers death of lung cancer.
Thanks,
Wade Van B.
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My deepest sympathy to you and your family.
Marcia V.
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Sorry to hear about your son-in-law. What a shame it is when someone so young dies. It just doesn’t seem fair. I read the blog you referred us to, and your daughter sounds like an amazingly strong, intelligent, and level-headed woman. I’m sure this has been a long, hard ordeal for everyone, that there is now relief, but there is also the hole left when you cannot talk with someone who has occupied an important place in your life.
Take care,
Nancy W.
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I’m very sorry about Scott’s death.
Mark W.
Chica said,
07.11.09 at 2:31 pm
My sympathies to you, Dvorty. <3